It is... difficult - it really is.

For the moment I am wrangle with myself. Everything seems different. Everything in our relationship is on the edge.

It all started, when I broke my own rules.

Truth has to be told: One thing is really important for me: privacy.
Even in a relationship I believe in the inviolability of your personal belongings - be it eMails, mobile, computer, mail and so on.

In the more than 7 years we are together, Sarah consistently violated this. And she always explained, that there were reasons - she consistently found something...

Well - one time, she was in Germany [and I have to say, that it was not a leisure trip - she went to the gynecologist for misc. reasons] and I send a message to my ex-ex-ex-es [or so], that I still think about her and miss her. You can imagine the circus, when this came out...

And then there was the occasion, I was working in Russia, and joked with my colleague - that I cannot hold myself because of the Russian beauties [and believe me - it was just a stupid adage] and she went through the roof.

Yes - I wasn't necessary an angel!

As she was so jealous [and told me about her broken trust] I was suspicious... I had the same thing with Doro one of my most horrific relationships; she cheated at the end on me...

But dear Sarah seemed to be faithfully. In between I looked at her computer, and it never made any problems.

Until a couple of months ago.

Her Blackberry rang and I picked it up - in this occasion I had no intend to check on her.
And I played around with it [I hate Blackberries - they seem so pre-iPhone and complicated] and accidentally encountered a message.

I tell you - this message was not at all for trusty ingenuous eyes. I read, kinda sex-chat. I can only say: Hardcore! Like: "I fuck you hard into your dripping pussy" and shit...

You can imagine that I was not very happy. I really fell out of the sky - not that our relationship was close to win "the best relationship award" - but I was everything but prepared for this.

We had a fight. I moved due to my new job to Abu Dhabi and our contact became more infrequently.
And she was defensive like hell. And then she protected all her gear, that I could not access it.

Then during a couple of weeks our relationship went up and down; but finally she promised that she did wrong, and that she stopped the whole thing [oh I forgot, there were also some emails and chats with her exes, saying, that she still missed their sex and so on... even worse].

And what should I tell you- last week I visited her - and as she met a friend in vain, I stayed in her apartment and went on her laptop. Originally it was not intended - the internet was not working and I wanted to check, if her PC was working - but then the ugly jealousy crawled on me and as her PC was no more protected I checked her mails.

Let me say - I virtually fell deeper than her apartment in the 27th floor wold allow.
There were again these messages. Again this sexual stuff. Again the same guy [Derek].

I have to say, that I totally lost it. I called her several times, shouted at the phone, tumbled around - party insane - but overall not sane at all.

We had a fight at the phone, she was defensive [how can you do this? - Me???] I went out, I had actually still to pay some money into my account so I went to the bank - and lost my car key within 10 meters from the bank to the car [or vice versa]. Stayed on the pavement, in the car, in the bank around 2 hours until my car rental guy Asif found the key under the seat [I swear - I looked there several times].
At the end, this experience calmed me that much down, that I could get back to her.

The problem: she told me, that parts of the messages [which were sent from Sarah to Sarah] she never received or never wrote. It is kinda ghost story [even the messages before to her exes she told me the same thing].
And now? I have really big trouble to trust her.

She seems not to admit - not everything - or not most of it.

This is enough for this post - more to come... stay tuned...